Author Topic: Today's jokes  (Read 21406 times)

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Offline Iain

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Today's jokes
« on: July 16, 2006, 01:35:48 AM »
Some more jokes for your perusal

Apologises if you've heard

them before, don't think they're funny, or can't make sense of

them

Don't Shoot The Messenger  :nono:




/>


The Pastors ass

The pastor entered his donkey

in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he

entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

/>
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with

this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in

another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP

SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so

he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it

to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the

following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

/>
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid

of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10. The next day the paper

read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10

This was too much for the

bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains

where it could run wild The next day the headlines read:

NUN

ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next

day


/>----------------------------------------------------------------------------

----

A middle aged man bought a brand new Ford Mondeo. He took off

down the road, pushed it up to 130 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing

through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and

accelerated to an even higher speed.
 
But then he looked in his

rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he

floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 160 mph to escape being

stopped.
 
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm

too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road,

and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
 
The Policeman

pulled in behind the Mondeo and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir

my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me

a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,

I'll let you go."
 
The man looked back at the Policeman

and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you

were bringing her back."
 
The Policeman said, "Have a

nice day."


/>----------------------------------------------------------------------------

----

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"


"No Daddy. She's

upstairs in the bedroom  with Uncle Paul."


After a brief

pause, Daddy says,  "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle

Paul."


"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the

room with Mommy, right now."


Brief Pause.



/>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on

the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that

Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."



/>"Okay Daddy, just a minute."


A few minutes later

the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."


/>
"And what happened honey?" he asked.



/>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the

dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
 
"Oh my

God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"


"He jumped out

of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the

back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that

you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool

and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***


/>
***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***
 

/>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline Golem

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2006, 13:05:32 PM »
 

:lol:

they are still nice...

I hadn't heard the guy

trying to get away from the police in a ford mondeo before though  ::)

That's a bit stupid ;)
Veho ergo sum

Offline robvangulik

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2006, 22:36:42 PM »
 :bow:All totally new to me, pointy but not obsceen, where do you get

them from :bow:

Offline Iain

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2006, 02:10:35 AM »
Usually sent to me, so I just slap 'em on here for you

(sometimes) ungrateful sods  :zaehne033:
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline CRuSHeR

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2006, 12:26:56 PM »
Seems our comments from last time were taken into account :D
These were

all good ones Iain lol :D
Gear up and start riding now, biking is fun and a horse aint no cow.

Offline Iain

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2006, 16:12:29 PM »
It's pot luck I'm afraid  :dontknow:

Be warned

tho, I am gonna clear my phone of jokes soon

and I've been

whittling down my emails too

 :zaehne009:
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline robvangulik

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2006, 18:58:30 PM »
Will all members please fasten their seatbelts :uptosomething:

Offline Iain

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2006, 01:37:33 AM »
 :schilder017:

Ur lucky, didn't get time to finish my

email clearout tonite, but watch the humour cafe  ;)
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline Golem

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2006, 07:48:56 AM »
You get that much junk dude?
Veho ergo sum

Offline Iain

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2006, 19:03:26 PM »
Not on my hotmail account, but i don't always have time to

forward them when I get them, hence they build up

And eventually, I

have a clearout and send them all on

So it's possible

you'll end up with them twice  :thumbs:



Well, rob

and crusher mite but I don't have a working email address for you
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline robvangulik

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2006, 19:15:41 PM »
So we get them twice and he gets none?
Thats not fair!

:headbang:

Offline Iain

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2006, 19:24:20 PM »
He needs to give me an email address that doesn't return my

mails, or unblock my email addy  :lol:

Either that, or you or C can

forward them to him so he doesn't miss out



Then

he'll moan to you, not me   :tanzen002:
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline Golem

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2006, 07:49:06 AM »
Makes me wonder what email adress you have from me :D
Veho ergo sum

Offline Iain

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2006, 01:54:27 AM »
I don't

I deleted one cos I got fed up of my emails

being returned undelivered :traurig005:
Sometimes I laugh so hard, the tears run down my leg



More grunt than a pig having sex


Offline Golem

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Re:Today's jokes
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2006, 09:28:00 AM »
Good for you! ok...I'm safe then :D
Veho ergo sum